An Island of My Own
Solitude is a precious commodity for moms, especially when the kids are little. Sometimes, entire weeks go by without a minute alone. This is the time of life when going grocery shopping alone or even going to the dentist can feel like a big vacation.
Yet setting aside some time and space for yourself is an important way to recharge and help you feel like a real person.
Over the years, I’ve figured out several strategies for sneaking in some islands of precious time and space for myself, even if it’s just a few minutes here and there. In this episode, I split them up into two categories—Mom time and Mom space—with six ideas apiece.
Links from this episode:
Extraordinary Moms Podcast, episode 213: Self-Date Night (https://extraordinarymomspodcast.com/...)
3 in 30 Podcast, Episode 29: Making the Most of Everyday Moments to Connect with Our Kids (http://3in30podcast.com/everyday-mome...)
The Miracle Morning, by Hal Elrod (https://www.amazon.com/Miracle-Mornin...)
Full text:
Seven years ago, my husband and I went to Costa Rica with his family and left our then-three children (ages 5, 3, and 1) with my parents. This was the first time we'd been on a trip without our kids, and it felt both luxurious and strange to get on a plane without them. Navigating the airport was a breeze, and I read a book on the plane! When we arrived at our vacation rental, we were amazed. We could see the ocean from the pool patio. Monkeys were just hanging out in the tropical trees, and iguanas sauntered across the lawn. It was paradise. And I was a crazy person.
Instead of relaxing and enjoying the view or heading to explore the beach, I was running around to all the bedrooms, taking it upon myself to help figure out where everyone should sleep, especially the family that had brought their young son. I had this nagging worry that no one had started to cook the dry beans that we had bought for dinner— and you know how long beans take to cook!! I ran to start simmering the beans, and then set about unpacking and settling into my room. I was in full-on-mom mode, even though no one there needed to be mothered, especially not by me. And then I burned the beans.
Appalled and embarrassed that I had burned dinner, I retreated to my bedroom for a little navel gazing. When had I become this person? Was I even capable of enjoying this amazing vacation? Had motherhood turned me into a micro-managing freak?
Happily, a good night's sleep and a little time at the beach transformed me from Mom with a capital M into a real person. In a few more days, I was not only a person, I was Whitney. I laughed out loud at my book ("Good Omens" by Terri Pratchett and Neil Gaiman), quoting annoyingly from it to anyone in the vicinity. I woke up early to read my scriptures and write in my journal by the pool. I hiked, explored, and frolicked in the waves.
And then came the most astonishing moment of the trip. Everyone else walked down to the beach, and I stayed behind to grab my beach gear. Soon, I looked around me and realized I was alone. Alone! I felt so weird and wonderful, and that feeling made me realize how long it had been since I was completely alone, with no obligation to anyone else. My family at the beach was going to have fun whether I was there or not. So I decided not to go. I grabbed my book and hopped on a pool float. I read until I got hot, jumped into the pool, and even practiced my diving because no one was there to judge. I sang out loud. I read and wrote some more. It was one of the best moments of my life, a moment in which I felt completely myself. It was like I was on my little island—alone.
That day helped me realize how rare and wonderful solitude can be for moms, especially in those early years of motherhood, before any of your kids are in school and before any of them are old enough to babysit. In her book, “All Joy and No Fun” (perhaps the best title ever written about parenthood), Jennifer Senior referred to this time of parenthood as “The Bunker Years.” You spend a lot of time at home, yes, because of naps and such, but even when you’re out and about, you’re out and about with kids, so the trips are usually short and hectic. Not only that, but for much of the time, you don’t even have your body to yourself, between breastfeeding and pregnancy. This subset of the Bunker Years is what I call the Body-Sharing Years. Someone is always touching you.
The intensity of the Bunker Years may be a bit more acute for moms who don’t have another job elsewhere, but even for moms who do, they’re usually around people all day at work and then around people at home after work. Sometimes, entire weeks go by without a minute alone. This is the time of life when going grocery shopping alone or even going to the...
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