Mom's Secret Identity
Links to podcasts mentioned in this episode:
3 in 30 Podcast, episode 16: "How to Be the Mom You Are Instead of the Mom You Think You Should Be" (http://3in30podcast.com/ep-016-how-to...)
The Women With Fire, episode 51: "Jamie Cook of Wander and Scout" (https://thewomenwithfire.com/the-wome...)
One Mother's Day, Lori Brescia's kids came home from church with questionnaires they had filled out about her. Under "Favorite Food," they had answered "hot dogs," "pizza," and "macaroni and cheese." Under favorite color, they wrote, "orange," "blue," "red." The same pattern emerged for her favorite activities and even hair color: they had no clue.
Lori fed them lunch so they'd have some stamina and sat her family down in a row on the couch, including her husband. "Today is Mother's Day," she said, "and I can't help noticing that these questionnaires you filled out today are really about you, and not me. I am not just an extension of you. I'm my person."
She spent the next 45 minutes sharing stories about her life with them. She paced up and down the room, explaining what makes her laugh, what makes her happy, and what makes her sad. She told stories from when she was a child and when she taught high school. She shared what she loves about being a mom, but also all the other things she loves to do. They laughed together at the funny stories, and Lori even cried a few times talking about some of her more emotional experiences. At one point, one son said, "This is all about you, Mom." "Exactly," she replied, and kept going.
That Mother's Day has itself become part of the Brescia family lore. They laugh about it every year. But you better believe those kids are good at filling out those questionnaires now.
Mahatma Ghandi said, "The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others." Many mothers are good at the "lose yourself" part and the "service" part, but forget that the goal in the first half of the sentence is to "find yourself." Depending on how you approach it, motherhood can help you develop, discover, and refine who you are, or it can usurp your identity until you define yourself only by that role. Then, when the kids leave the house, they leave you with an identity crisis, no discernible hobbies or interests, and a lot of time on your hands.
Last summer, I hiked my first 14er (a mountain above 14,000 feet) with my husband. Wading through wildflowers and streams, burning my lungs and my legs, and looking out at endless peaks and valleys, I felt an explosion of joy and thought, "This is who I am." I almost needed to reintroduce myself to this person. In high school, I defined myself by mountains. Not a week went by that I wasn't fishing in them, hiking in them, rock climbing in them, or at least gazing at them with wonder. Now here I was living in Colorado and maybe making it up to the mountains every other month.
That day on Mt. Harvard made me think about the other things that define who I am. Yes, I am a mother. And that is a huge part of my identity. But I am also a writer, reader, pianist, singer, chef, cyclist, dancer, hiker, climber, tennis player, teacher, public speaker, and a believer in God. I've gone through long periods where I haven't done some of these things, but they're still part of who I am.
I have also spent a lot of my life feeling like an impostor. When I discovered rock climbing in high school, I didn't call myself a climber, even though I went once a week. I wasn't an expert, so I didn't think I could claim the title. For years, as a young mother, I didn't call myself a writer, even though I had worked as a professional writer for years, because I wasn't currently writing. I didn't claim to be a singer, even though that is a huge part of my everyday life, because I rarely performed and because it sounded like bragging.
But I've come to believe that you can and should claim anything you love and that defines who you are, no matter how skilled or professional you are. Even someone who can't carry a tune should be able to claim that they're a singer if they love it and do it a lot.
This especially applies to motherhood. Who doesn't feel like an impostor when they bring that first baby home? Suddenly, you're in charge of this needy little creature, and you're supposed to have all the answers. Little by little, we gain the required skills, but we get that title, Mom, right away.
At every stage, with every new child, I feel impostor syndrome again. I don't know what the heck I'm doing. But I am Mom, and I claim that title wholeheartedly.
It's also OK not to claim stuff. I am not a crafter, painter, stylist, shopper, interior designer, or aesthetician. I don't decorate my house for any holiday besides Christmas. My children's church doodles have f...
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